By: Casey Prey
Are you jealous of your jobless friends? Tired of dragging yourself to that internship week after week? Do you need more personal time to go shopping or play video games? Then follow these ten easy tips to FAIL your internship (works 100% of the time)!
10. Step one’s easy. Show up late and leave early! This gives you more time to do the things you’d rather be doing. If you’re really keen, you could show up late, leave early, and still mark a full day’s work. After all, it’s just a little white lie, and may help you fail that internship even faster! Hit the snooze, read the paper and miss your bus. Showing up early will make companies want to keep you employed, and who wants that?
9. Do not, I repeat, do not set goals with both yourself and your boss. That’s a surefire way to find success and learn.
8. Turn the company’s time into your time. That way, you can get paid for it. The logic is flawless. Anytime you can surf the internet, listen to some tunes, or flirt with your coworkers while still getting paid, do it! You’ll be “let go” in no time and have a few extra unearned dollars in your pocket.
7. Don’t ask questions and don’t pay attention. Interns should already know it all, but if you don’t — fake it!
6. Don’t just make excuses . . . blame everyone else. If the boss asks you why you left your dirty dish in the break room sink, don’t settle by saying you were in a hurry; go the extra mile and blame it on Tim the research assistant! Making enemies is an easy way to get out of the workplace and into some comfy sweatpants.
5. Lie about your qualifications. Businesses hate dishonest employees. Naturally, lying about qualifications is the quickest way to get out of any internship. In fact, lie every chance you get, because lying equals lying . . . unemployed and on a cozy couch.
4. This one should be instinct for any slacker. Get out of work every chance you can. A great way to do this is to utilize the “excessive break procedure.” For instance, use the restroom frequently (even if you don’t need to go to the restroom), take coffee breaks (even if you don’t drink coffee), and, my favorite, exploit “personal problem” breaks (i.e. pretend there’s a crisis that you just have to attend to). If you must actually do some work, be sure to cut corners, cheat, and con your way to the bare minimum.
3 Be negative about everything. Complain about the work. Complain about the boss. Complain about the company. Nobody likes a whiner, so make sure to grumble, carp, and nag your way to unemployment victory.
2. Never take initiative. Don’t live up to your potential. If initiative shows anything, it’s that you want to be there, and you definitely don’t want to be there. Proudly display this attitude. Step into the background, be a fly on the wall and show that you’re not up to the task. Kiss pesky recommendation letters goodbye (along with that dreaded word “success”) and you’ll be passed over in a heartbeat.
1. This last step is the ultimate foolproof way to fail any internship. Never, under any circumstance, communicate clearly! Keep your faculty advisor in the dark, ignore the help of your internship advisor, and do not address any problems with your employer. Effective communication is the one tool that advisors, employers, and faculty utilize to keep you in those wasteful, so called “career-building” internships. Falling into this trap will only serve to help you have a successful internship experience and be a great stepping stone for your future career. Who wants that? There are simply too many great television shows you simply cannot afford to miss.
So there you have it. Casey Prey’s proven effective, “Internship Failure Method.” See the results instantly! 100% failure guarantee. *Not recommended for the hard-working, success-chasing, future-of-tomorrow type people. If you’re one of those, simply do the opposite. As for the rest of you . . . I’ll catch you on the couch!
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